If you have ever had an intense headache or a particular pain, the kind that has you reaching for the painkillers, you’ll appreciate that eventually when it has taken the edge off the pain, you can still be left with a residual dull ache. A clumsy analogy it may be, however it is one that comes to mind and is a fair comparison to my own grief, since the passing of my mum 5 years ago today.
For me, time is not a healer. It doesn’t stand still and wait until you feel better, you get swept along in it’s flow whether you want to or not. I see my life before 2020 as an entirely different thing, almost like I was someone else. It is the weirdest feeling. I look back on social media posts when they pop up as memories, my quips, my comments and I reflect on what feels like simpler, happier times. I miss my mum terribly. Some days it just catches you by surprise. Purpose, direction and ,most things I thought I was sure of completely changed. Although good things have happened over the last few years the 'missing piece 'feeling never really leaves. At one point, it was a feeling that I had sat down but had never really got up again. It has taken time for that to lessen and to try to grow again. We have no choice. I have been trying to do it quietly. Pain lessens but it never truly leaves. The passing of time alone is not enough to heal.
This is not exclusive to me of course, pain and grief are universal. Everyone has their own struggles I know that. I think I’m just trying to acknowledge that sometimes i'm still trying to deal with mine. I miss the joy of the ordinary day. There was nothing that couldn’t be solved over a few well fired rolls and a pot of tea. I hope my mum will be proud of some of the nice things that have happened and be equally proud at how we have dealt with the challenges over the last few years. On a positive note, it is because of the feelings that i've experienced, I occasionally lapse into a 'live for today' sentiment. Which certainly has encouraged me to try new things or at least face some fears head on. I can't deny age does that too! Also, incase I don't say it often enough, i'm really very grateful for the good people in my life.
As always, it’s a wee 'hawf 'in your honour mum and most definitely some Gerry Rafferty. Gerry Rafferty rules after all. :-) A wee drive and a playlist, some cake and a tea somewhere. Maybe one day soon, I will finally nail the lyrics and write a song from 'whatever's written in my heart. ( See what I did there?) Above all, I hope wherever you are that you are happy.
Provided we are not plagued with storms, hoping very much to start work on a new video over the next few weeks. Still looking to tick boxes musically. As I’ve always said, it’s not quite over for me yet.
I hope you’ve all had a nice start to 2025. Thanks for taking the time here.
Pauline xx
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